Yeah well.... It had to happen sometime....cause it was building up on me for years now... ever since the trip we took to Iran. It had been on my mind. It had been eating me from the inside. So finally two days ago I let it all out. I had a major fight with my parents. Now they finally know how I have felt... how they made me feel all over the years and how I feel now....just because of their acts.
It even had a side-effect too. It was also a confession to myself.
I NOW really understand what horror I have been through over the years. But I do not pity myself nor I want others to do so. I'm merely making a confession. Clearing up the misunderstandings. Telling the truth. NO longer submerging my problems under the, so called, glamorous fake-life I'm supposed to be having.
What disturbs me more than these facts, is the idea that this is normal for my, so called, culture. Because my parents parents did the same to their kids, now I have to suffer the same. Well I protest. I object. I refuse to act the same way my primitive parents did. I am a man who stands for his idea's, beliefs and principles. I no longer fear the people above me. I merely pity them. Mostly for their ignorance and narrowmindedness.
There are no lessons to be learned. The lesson of objecting to your previous generation is one my parents skipped and therefore I have to learn twice.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Iv and Me
As you could have guessed from the content of the previous post, I was in a fairly great dip in my life. Emotionally that is. And somewhat socially as well.
So yesterday I persuaded Iv to go to the city with me to look at some mobile phones I want to buy in the near future. As we got there I sponatniously thought it would be a good idea to go to the movies. But we kinda talked over it.
So we went shopping and stuff and we agreed to indeed go to the movies. "Meet The Fockers". So because we were kinda early we went to eat somewhere. Afterwards we did go to the movies. It was lots of fun I have to say. We laughed a lot and talked a lot.....mostly under dinner.
Afterwards we decided that it was a memorable and historic event for both of us as we went to the movies and she skipped some classes to do so. So we took some pictures and talked some more.
Then we went shopping .....again....this time she did buy something. It was a very very very sexy shirt which I picked out. and she finally got over her fear of me touching her. I think she finally realises what I feel for her and she accepts it.
Anyway we're becoming better friends as time passes and that is a comforting thought.
I hope to see her again soon.
In that particular shirt :P:P
So yesterday I persuaded Iv to go to the city with me to look at some mobile phones I want to buy in the near future. As we got there I sponatniously thought it would be a good idea to go to the movies. But we kinda talked over it.
So we went shopping and stuff and we agreed to indeed go to the movies. "Meet The Fockers". So because we were kinda early we went to eat somewhere. Afterwards we did go to the movies. It was lots of fun I have to say. We laughed a lot and talked a lot.....mostly under dinner.
Afterwards we decided that it was a memorable and historic event for both of us as we went to the movies and she skipped some classes to do so. So we took some pictures and talked some more.
Then we went shopping .....again....this time she did buy something. It was a very very very sexy shirt which I picked out. and she finally got over her fear of me touching her. I think she finally realises what I feel for her and she accepts it.
Anyway we're becoming better friends as time passes and that is a comforting thought.
I hope to see her again soon.
In that particular shirt :P:P
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Project "Psycho"
Project "Psycho"
I already had aanounced an early finishing date for this project. So here it is ladies and gentlemen.
I live in the American gardens building on the west 81 street on the 11th floor.
My name is Jack Micheals.
I am 19 years old.
I can buy almost anything I want.
I can have anyone I desire.
I can do anything I like.
I believe in taking care of myself.
In a balanced diet and a rigorous routine.
My routine:
Every morning I put an ice pack on my face while doing my sauna crunches. I can do a thousand of them.
After removing the ice pack I clean my face with a deep pore cleanser lotion.
Then I apply an herb mint facial mask. Which I leave on for ten minutes while preparing the rest of my routine.
I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol. Cause alcohol dries out your face and makes you look old. After that I apply and anti-aging eye balm followed by an protective lotion.
There is an idea of Jack Micheals.
Some kind of abstraction.
But there is no Real Me.
Only an entity.
Something illusory.
And though I can hide my cold gaze, behind my sunglasses.
And you can shake my hand and feel flesh rubbing yours.
And maybe you even sense our life-styles are probably comparable.
But I simply AM not there.
I’m already on the verge tears before we arrive at the restaurant, since I’m positive we won’t get a descent table which we both like. And everybody will be staring at us. But we do have a descent table and they seem to ignore us. Which particularly suits me NOW.
A relieve washes over me.
I’m fairly certain that James Bright and Eve are having an affair.
James is the only interesting person I know.
I’m almost completely indifferent as to whether Eve knows I’m having an affair with Samantha Robinson……her closest friend.
Samantha is almost perfect-looking.
She is usually operating on one or more psychiatric drugs.
Tonight, I believe it’s Zanix.
More disturbing than a drug-use though is that she’s engaged to Gregory Flash.
The Biggest Jerk I have ever seen.
The next day at the office:
Peter is mistaking me for this dickhead Mark Bowel.
It seems logical because Mark also works at NW and in fact does the same exact thing as I do.
He also has a pension for Valentino suits and Exclusive business cards.
He even visits the same barber as I do.
Though I have a slightly better haircut.
I have all the characteristics of a human being.
Flesh
Blood
Skin
And Hair
But not a single
Clear
Identifiable
Emotion.
Except for greed and disgust.
Something horrible is happening inside of me and I do not know why.
My nightly bloodlust has overflowed into my days.
I feel lethal.
I feel suicidal.
On the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
Or already has.
A week later:
When I get to Paul Allen’s car I use the keys I took from his pocket before disposing the body in his apartment.
There is a moment of sheer panic as I realize that his car has a Satellite Navigation System which it’s obviously more expensive than mine.
I calm myself.
Drive home.
Ease to the bedroom where I find my suitcases and start to pack.
It’s time for Paul to take a trip.
Where shall I send him?
Few days later:
At first the magazine and the walkman disappear from my desk into a drawer.
As my friend comes to the office asking questions about Paul as he wants to meet him again. As I am supposed to be the last person who was with him before he left town.
After giving him my full “co-operation” he leaves with less than he came with.
He’s now on the trail I want him to be.
I feel calm.
I feel normal.
Absolutely no fear.
Completely sure of my case.
Eternally sure of my innocence.
The next day in the lounge:
Do you know what Ed Geen said about women?
No, he was a serialkiller. Winsconsin 1950’s.
He said:
“When I see a pretty girl walking down the street.
I think two things.
One part of me wants to take her out, talk to her, be real nice and sweet and treat her right.
Another part of me thinks about how her head would look like on a stick”
A conversation ( Jack’s side only)
Ask me a question!
I’m in deception and executions mostly.
Well it depends. WHY?
So where do you work out?
So what do you want to do with your life?
Just briefly.
And don’t tell me you enjoy working with children ok?
Did you know that Ted bundy’s first dog “Collie” was named lassie?
Had you heard it? hahaha
Forget it. grrrrrrr
I guess you could say:
“I just want a meaningful relationship with someone special.”
(long pause continues)
Yeah I don’t think I can control myself.
I think if you stayed, something bad will happen.
I think I might hurt you.
You don’t want to get hurt do you?
Next day in the restaurant (Jack’s side of conversation)
Eve, I think we’ve lost touch.
My need to engage in deceptional behaviour at a massive scale cannot be corrected.
But hmmmm.
I have no other ways to fulfil my needs. J
I want to talk. hmmmm
It’s over. It’s all over.
I’m fucking serious.
It’s fucking over.
US.
This is no joke.
Ehhh. I think we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
I know that your friends are my friends and I’ve thought about that.
You can have them.
I’m not inhuman.
I’m in touch with humanity.
Eve, I’m sorry.
You’re just not terribly important to me.
I know my behaviour can be erradict sometimes.
If you really want to do something for me, The stop making this scene right NOW.
I’m leaving.
I have assessed the situation and I’m going.
Just leaving.
I have to return some videotapes.
That night:
As I walk towards my apartment my nightly bloodlust overflows me.
I divert my route to the office.
On the way beating up a prostitute.
With whom I slept a few nights a go.
As I try to hide myself from the cops I go to the ATM machine to extract some money from my account.
It is exactly at this moment in which I realize the magnitude of my insanity, bloodlust and suicidal behaviour.
As my mind converts the instructions on the machine into suicidal orders.
As I try to cut my arm open with my card.
An old women who sees me gets the payload of my rage disposed into her stomach.
I rush to the office.
I somehow dislike the doorman at that particular moment of the night and in my sheer madness and instability I am able to decide over his fate in merely a split second.
And he crumbles at my feet in front of my eyes.
I haste myself to the reception.
Somehow my mind decides to spare this guy. As I signature the list and walk firmly to the elevator. With an obvious fake smile.
I run to my office locking the door behind me. Though there’s no one else there.
I sit at on the floor.
Call my best friend.
And start my confession.
My confession:
Jake, it’s Micheals, Jack Micheals.
You’re my best friend and I think you should know:
I have hurt and deceived a lot of people.
Some escort girls in different apartments downtown.
And a girl I met in the park.
I hit Dana, My old girlfriend.
Some fagot with a dog.
A doorman of the firm.
And I betrayed another girl with her sister.
I had to. She almost got away.
And oh yeah, I made Paul Allen disappear.
I don’t know why anymore.
His car is dissolving in the woods near Micheal’s place.
Honestly I have lost count but I do not want to leave anything out here.
I have taped some of this.
Ehhhhhh…. I …eehhh…
Tonight I just had to hurt A LOT of people. And eh…. Hahahaha…
I’m not sure I’m going to get away with it.
Not this time.
So if you get back tomorrow. I’ll meet you up at Barry’s party.
So you know.
Keep your eyes OPEN.
The next day:(Phone call)
Jane
I need help
I’m not…
Oh god… Son of a bitch
What am I doing?
Is this how people panic?
I never panic!
Don’t think I’m going to make it Jane.
To the office, this afternoon.
Just say NO!
Stop sounding so fucking sad.
GOD.
At Barry’s party:
I have made up my mind:
I’m not going anywhere unless we have a reservation.
Excuse me gentlemen. I’ll be right back.
Conversation with Jake ( Jack’s side only)
So Jake…. Did you get my message?
Yeah naturally that was I.
What exactly do you mean?
Wait Jake.
What do you mean?
Wait. Eehhh… STOP!
I did it all.
I’m Jack Micheals.
I sent Paul Allen fucking away.
The whole message I left on your machine was true.
No, Don’t you know who I am?
I’m not David.
I’m Jack Micheals.
We talk on the phone all the time.
Don’t you recognize me??
You’re my best friend.
Now honestly:
Listen, listen very very carefully.
I enjoy hurting people.
I can’t make myself any clearer.
It never was supposed to be funny.
Why isn’t this possible?
Why not you stupid bastard?
NO, you ehhh… didn’t.
You can’t have known I had loved her.
Eh… who are you?
I’m leaving.
Who am I?
Later on:
Hahahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahaha
I’m just a happy camper
Rockin and Rollin.
What’s inside doesn’t matter.
Whatever.
There are no more barriers to cross.
All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil.
All the mayhem I have caused.
And my utter indifference toward it.
I have now surpassed.
My pain is constant and sharp.
And I do not hope for a better world for anyone.
In fact.
I want my pain to be inflicted on others.
I want no one to escape.
And even after admitting this.
There is no cathurstus.
Nothing is going to change.
My punishment continues to elude me.
And.
I gain no deeper knowledge of myself.
No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling.
This confession has meant
NOTHING!
Nothing is going to change.
We’ll all grow up someday, we might as well know what we are going to be!
I already had aanounced an early finishing date for this project. So here it is ladies and gentlemen.
I live in the American gardens building on the west 81 street on the 11th floor.
My name is Jack Micheals.
I am 19 years old.
I can buy almost anything I want.
I can have anyone I desire.
I can do anything I like.
I believe in taking care of myself.
In a balanced diet and a rigorous routine.
My routine:
Every morning I put an ice pack on my face while doing my sauna crunches. I can do a thousand of them.
After removing the ice pack I clean my face with a deep pore cleanser lotion.
Then I apply an herb mint facial mask. Which I leave on for ten minutes while preparing the rest of my routine.
I always use an aftershave with little or no alcohol. Cause alcohol dries out your face and makes you look old. After that I apply and anti-aging eye balm followed by an protective lotion.
There is an idea of Jack Micheals.
Some kind of abstraction.
But there is no Real Me.
Only an entity.
Something illusory.
And though I can hide my cold gaze, behind my sunglasses.
And you can shake my hand and feel flesh rubbing yours.
And maybe you even sense our life-styles are probably comparable.
But I simply AM not there.
I’m already on the verge tears before we arrive at the restaurant, since I’m positive we won’t get a descent table which we both like. And everybody will be staring at us. But we do have a descent table and they seem to ignore us. Which particularly suits me NOW.
A relieve washes over me.
I’m fairly certain that James Bright and Eve are having an affair.
James is the only interesting person I know.
I’m almost completely indifferent as to whether Eve knows I’m having an affair with Samantha Robinson……her closest friend.
Samantha is almost perfect-looking.
She is usually operating on one or more psychiatric drugs.
Tonight, I believe it’s Zanix.
More disturbing than a drug-use though is that she’s engaged to Gregory Flash.
The Biggest Jerk I have ever seen.
The next day at the office:
Peter is mistaking me for this dickhead Mark Bowel.
It seems logical because Mark also works at NW and in fact does the same exact thing as I do.
He also has a pension for Valentino suits and Exclusive business cards.
He even visits the same barber as I do.
Though I have a slightly better haircut.
I have all the characteristics of a human being.
Flesh
Blood
Skin
And Hair
But not a single
Clear
Identifiable
Emotion.
Except for greed and disgust.
Something horrible is happening inside of me and I do not know why.
My nightly bloodlust has overflowed into my days.
I feel lethal.
I feel suicidal.
On the verge of frenzy.
I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
Or already has.
A week later:
When I get to Paul Allen’s car I use the keys I took from his pocket before disposing the body in his apartment.
There is a moment of sheer panic as I realize that his car has a Satellite Navigation System which it’s obviously more expensive than mine.
I calm myself.
Drive home.
Ease to the bedroom where I find my suitcases and start to pack.
It’s time for Paul to take a trip.
Where shall I send him?
Few days later:
At first the magazine and the walkman disappear from my desk into a drawer.
As my friend comes to the office asking questions about Paul as he wants to meet him again. As I am supposed to be the last person who was with him before he left town.
After giving him my full “co-operation” he leaves with less than he came with.
He’s now on the trail I want him to be.
I feel calm.
I feel normal.
Absolutely no fear.
Completely sure of my case.
Eternally sure of my innocence.
The next day in the lounge:
Do you know what Ed Geen said about women?
No, he was a serialkiller. Winsconsin 1950’s.
He said:
“When I see a pretty girl walking down the street.
I think two things.
One part of me wants to take her out, talk to her, be real nice and sweet and treat her right.
Another part of me thinks about how her head would look like on a stick”
A conversation ( Jack’s side only)
Ask me a question!
I’m in deception and executions mostly.
Well it depends. WHY?
So where do you work out?
So what do you want to do with your life?
Just briefly.
And don’t tell me you enjoy working with children ok?
Did you know that Ted bundy’s first dog “Collie” was named lassie?
Had you heard it? hahaha
Forget it. grrrrrrr
I guess you could say:
“I just want a meaningful relationship with someone special.”
(long pause continues)
Yeah I don’t think I can control myself.
I think if you stayed, something bad will happen.
I think I might hurt you.
You don’t want to get hurt do you?
Next day in the restaurant (Jack’s side of conversation)
Eve, I think we’ve lost touch.
My need to engage in deceptional behaviour at a massive scale cannot be corrected.
But hmmmm.
I have no other ways to fulfil my needs. J
I want to talk. hmmmm
It’s over. It’s all over.
I’m fucking serious.
It’s fucking over.
US.
This is no joke.
Ehhh. I think we shouldn’t see each other anymore.
I know that your friends are my friends and I’ve thought about that.
You can have them.
I’m not inhuman.
I’m in touch with humanity.
Eve, I’m sorry.
You’re just not terribly important to me.
I know my behaviour can be erradict sometimes.
If you really want to do something for me, The stop making this scene right NOW.
I’m leaving.
I have assessed the situation and I’m going.
Just leaving.
I have to return some videotapes.
That night:
As I walk towards my apartment my nightly bloodlust overflows me.
I divert my route to the office.
On the way beating up a prostitute.
With whom I slept a few nights a go.
As I try to hide myself from the cops I go to the ATM machine to extract some money from my account.
It is exactly at this moment in which I realize the magnitude of my insanity, bloodlust and suicidal behaviour.
As my mind converts the instructions on the machine into suicidal orders.
As I try to cut my arm open with my card.
An old women who sees me gets the payload of my rage disposed into her stomach.
I rush to the office.
I somehow dislike the doorman at that particular moment of the night and in my sheer madness and instability I am able to decide over his fate in merely a split second.
And he crumbles at my feet in front of my eyes.
I haste myself to the reception.
Somehow my mind decides to spare this guy. As I signature the list and walk firmly to the elevator. With an obvious fake smile.
I run to my office locking the door behind me. Though there’s no one else there.
I sit at on the floor.
Call my best friend.
And start my confession.
My confession:
Jake, it’s Micheals, Jack Micheals.
You’re my best friend and I think you should know:
I have hurt and deceived a lot of people.
Some escort girls in different apartments downtown.
And a girl I met in the park.
I hit Dana, My old girlfriend.
Some fagot with a dog.
A doorman of the firm.
And I betrayed another girl with her sister.
I had to. She almost got away.
And oh yeah, I made Paul Allen disappear.
I don’t know why anymore.
His car is dissolving in the woods near Micheal’s place.
Honestly I have lost count but I do not want to leave anything out here.
I have taped some of this.
Ehhhhhh…. I …eehhh…
Tonight I just had to hurt A LOT of people. And eh…. Hahahaha…
I’m not sure I’m going to get away with it.
Not this time.
So if you get back tomorrow. I’ll meet you up at Barry’s party.
So you know.
Keep your eyes OPEN.
The next day:(Phone call)
Jane
I need help
I’m not…
Oh god… Son of a bitch
What am I doing?
Is this how people panic?
I never panic!
Don’t think I’m going to make it Jane.
To the office, this afternoon.
Just say NO!
Stop sounding so fucking sad.
GOD.
At Barry’s party:
I have made up my mind:
I’m not going anywhere unless we have a reservation.
Excuse me gentlemen. I’ll be right back.
Conversation with Jake ( Jack’s side only)
So Jake…. Did you get my message?
Yeah naturally that was I.
What exactly do you mean?
Wait Jake.
What do you mean?
Wait. Eehhh… STOP!
I did it all.
I’m Jack Micheals.
I sent Paul Allen fucking away.
The whole message I left on your machine was true.
No, Don’t you know who I am?
I’m not David.
I’m Jack Micheals.
We talk on the phone all the time.
Don’t you recognize me??
You’re my best friend.
Now honestly:
Listen, listen very very carefully.
I enjoy hurting people.
I can’t make myself any clearer.
It never was supposed to be funny.
Why isn’t this possible?
Why not you stupid bastard?
NO, you ehhh… didn’t.
You can’t have known I had loved her.
Eh… who are you?
I’m leaving.
Who am I?
Later on:
Hahahahahahahahaha
Hahahahahahahahaha
I’m just a happy camper
Rockin and Rollin.
What’s inside doesn’t matter.
Whatever.
There are no more barriers to cross.
All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil.
All the mayhem I have caused.
And my utter indifference toward it.
I have now surpassed.
My pain is constant and sharp.
And I do not hope for a better world for anyone.
In fact.
I want my pain to be inflicted on others.
I want no one to escape.
And even after admitting this.
There is no cathurstus.
Nothing is going to change.
My punishment continues to elude me.
And.
I gain no deeper knowledge of myself.
No new knowledge can be extracted from my telling.
This confession has meant
NOTHING!
Nothing is going to change.
We’ll all grow up someday, we might as well know what we are going to be!
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