Promise

I never keep the promisses I make to myself.....but this time I'm different....this is one time I'll kepe my promise...it is today 19-12-2004 and I promise here and now (after sending her a letter a few minutes ago) that I will NOT email her or call her or send her things till 01-06-2005. That is a promise if there was one.
But this is a fact...I WILL ALWAYS LOVE HER!!
I may be able to forget some things she did...but I will NEVER FORGIVE!! NEVER!!

Something to think about

it's like she knows...or at least someone knows...each time I'm having a good time or having just fun...or for that matter I'm not depressed... she shows up...and does this minuscule but yet painfull thing to me... I'm tired of it...I'm hating her...I'm loving her...I don't know...even though I have all I want and need...it's her that I desire.... but she's the devil itself...I mean how can you travel several thousands of miles to find someone....but yet be sooooo heartless.... I don't understand her....she leaves me but she talks to my alias at the same time...she doesn't have time for me but foe a complete stranger she makes time...... I really honestly wish someone would come to me and shoot me through the head.....because I can't do it myself otherwise I had already done it........come stab me and turn the knife.......but please do not let me suffer this way...I'm destroying myself from inside....how can you? who were you? who have you become? who will you be? who are you? I'm scared but yet I love you like hell......how much can a human withstand?
You have hurt me twice that much......please stop!!!
I can't stop loving you
I'd die for you

A poem

Today on the bus to college...I wrote a poem which I think is the most honest one of mine yet.
well here it comes:

it doesn't hurt me
this knife through my heart
I know it would please you
to hear me weep but I won't

I'm gonna tell you something
to clear all the lies:
"I'm suffocating
but yet alive"

Now I got stuck
in the mud
here down the hill
and you remain up above
I'd run up that hill
if only I could

Written by: Nawid S.

One of those night

Yes tonight is again one of those nights, a night which you never seem to like ...but yet cannot wait to experince as all truth comes floating on top and all the lies sink to the bottom.....well in that view tonight wasn't such a night...I only came to know my best friend is embarressed for me and won't even talk to me....well...I have had too many of those haven't I? haha I only can laugh at these facts and it's not even a real laughter either....it's an ironic one if you've ever heard one....
well every dog has his day....mine is kinda far away I guess....or maybe non existent...
however...this is one game I'm tired of playing.....
too many lies...lie on top of another lie
I can't take it anymore...the only things that prevents me to cry it all out is the thought that this might be very well what they're aiming for and that's something I'm not going to give them...even though I may be destroying myself from inside...I won't let them have this pleasure.... not while I'm still alive.....NEVER.
cynical and ironical hints and remarks....I can't take it anymore.......a bridge or a skyscraper doesn't seem so odd anymore...it doesn't seem so farfetched anymore...it even seems reasonable.....it seems to be the only solution right now......but my will...(ooh goddamn my will) prevents me from doing it....
one day I'll give in to this urge......mark my words....

Gifts

I sent her some gifts today...Dunno whether I'll get them returned or not...it is always a gamble with her....
(there were two necklaces...and a poem accompanied by a letter)