Passionate dream

Where did that come from?
Last night as I went to bed I was so tired I couldn't think about anything. And still I dreamt about Narges. I have no idea why.....I haven't seen her, talked to her, or thought about her for a long time already.
Anyway it's not just dreaming about her that worries me but the actual dream itself.

And there I was on the trainstation, watching her walk towards me with those long legs and long black hair that rest upon her shoulders and those eyes which hypnotise me. She's wearing a short skirt and stockings and a cute little jacket on top.
It's one of those moments that makes you crazy just to think about it and she catches me in her embrace as I get out of the train. As she presses me against herself as tight as she can and rests her head upon my shoulder I get a whiff of her parfume which makes me speechless and all I can think of is :"What did I do to deserve this? "

Before I know we're walking down a hallway somewhere and she brings me to a halt by grabbing my hand and pulling me towards herself. Before I can even speak she puts her hand at the back of my head, grabs my hair, pulls me towards herself and kisses me on my mouth so hard and so passionate it, at first, just hurts. But I let it happen.
This ritual repeats itself several times, though she's not the only one who initaites it everytime, before I finally wake up and feel good as one possibly can. And also confused.

And even though at first sight this might seem to be a very sexual experience, it wasn't. The only way I have experienced it in a more romantic way. As some might say this is the passion that only a 15 year old can have and show.
As I have said before:
"No man can do without dreams
No man can do more than hope"

The secret

And then there is the after thought......
More of this to come? that is greatly up to me
Really what was I thinking?
In the end we all did profit from the whole transaction but did we really?
Entirely rightous, it could not have been but entirely wrong it wasn't either
To die and take your secrets with you
As a wise man once said:
"The secret impresses no one,
It is the trick you use it for that is everything!"

Things I may never wanna know or will I?

Today as I made my way back home from college, she called on my mobile and then it all started the whole thing all over again.
Why I sounded bad and where I was and with whom and why and when and on and on and on and on and on.......
So all I did was to tell her she didn't call at a right moment last time and what I was doing, nothing more, cause she doens't need to know more besides that.
Anyways as she always does she couldn't stop questoning me.... to no avail obviously.

So as she hangs up the phone a thought creeps in to mind: What if...? (yeah you know what I mean)
And I started laughing in myself as I imagined how funny, and not to forget, awkward and embarrasing it would have been if she was there.....
Would she even then make jokes and laugh to make herself feel more secure?
I can't escape the image in my head of her doing that. Even now it brings a smile to my face.

Angel with dirty face

Once you get over certain obstacles things seem easy for a while untill the next bigger obstacle comes on your way.So as I tried desperately to get to sleep last night I could not shake the idea of how I would react and behave in the future.
Then I remembered something I had done just the night before.

I had switched on my laptop and there she was: "Angel with dirty face" telling me how sorry she was for what happenned in London.And the most confrontitional part of it was actually what I said back: "don't worry, don't think about it, I'm not angry or upset"

And once I had thought about that it kinda suited my mind because I know what I have shared in the past with "Angel with dirty face" and how normal we still interacted. And to acknowledge that fact and that fact alone I could get to sleep much easier.

Though the only thought I haven't been able to evacuate from my mind has been what she'll be thinking today....
was it good?
was it right?
would she do it again?
was it as meaningless as she said?

but now that I am writing this I am starting to wonder why, I, the most caring and affectionate and most of all emotional guy I could imagine any guy could be(without being gay that is hehehe), could be sooo cold?
Really even in my days in Leiden I did not encounter something like this, even though Leiden didn't and doesn't mean absolutely nothing to me.

But answers present themselves don't they? ;)

NEVER TALK ABOUT IT

What to say? what to say?
I just would like to devote this post to something I have encountered recently.
It is fundamental part of the seriousness of humor and also the humor in being serious.
Not knowing what to expect from the interpretation of the things that come out of your mouth at a given moment proves to be essential and even in some cases fatal.
Also it needs to be remembered that even though this slight distortion of interpretation can and will cause confusion to one or more parties at all times it will also sporadically lead to engagement and entertainment.
I guess what I am trying to say is to be open and think very wide about the possible expectations of others when you interact with them. Never close any doors or exclude meaning in your interpretations.
In my quest for answers I have learned a few things which I would like to share with you:
1-Always accept all theories untill u can prove them wrong
2-Always be open for suggestion
3-Always try to see any subject or matter from as many viewpoints as possible
4-Never exclude any theory even when they seem not to apply
5-Consider the possibillities
6-Consider and weigh the pros and cons of every action and reaction
7-Consider the costs and investments and the reward you get
8-Always bare in mind that your expectations may not or not fully be fulfilled
9-Always be happy with what you get
10-Never be sorry
11-Never complain
12-NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AFTERWARDS

Good old days

And even though I thought some people to be so holy and rightous
I now know better that there is no such thing

And as I have already said in my previous posts:

"Even though I can hide my cold gaze from time to time behind my sunglasses.....
And even though I can fake a smile.....I am unable to fake happiness
And even though sorrow is part of our lives.......I can't keep up with the tragedy
And even though I am imprisoned......my mind is still free
And even though I lost all my money.......I want to leave now more than ever before
And even though I have accepted that some day I will die......Only thing I fear is that it won't matter to them.......not because I want them to care but because I want them to suffer"

or a more famous post of mine:

"I feel like putting a bullet between the eyes of every panda
that won't screw to save its species.

I want to open the dump valves on oil tankers
and smother all those French beaches I'd never see.

I want to breathe smoke.

I want to jump off the tallest goddamn building I can find.

I feel like taking a gun and walking from street to street
pumping rounds into neighbors, friends, family
and everyone else I have known.

I want to be enlightened.

All I need is to have one single near-life experience."