Love letter

I wrote her one!
One she would die for
folded the paper twice and put it in an envelope....but I won't give it to her
not now....not ever
she doesn't deserve that kind of appreciation!
I do!

OMG

And there she is
All sleepy and tired
Staying up just for me
She's wearing her fur coat again
She looks like an angel, an radiant angel
My feet tremble and I lean against the landpost.
She smiles and flicks her hair.

I say goodnight and head back home!

All I want for her is to lean forward. Just a bit so I can be sure that it's safe to proceed. She doesn't, ever.

Oh My GOD, this second I realised, I can love no other person, except her!
This is too much, gotta let this one sink in....

Search for answers

Everyone wanders around
Searching for answers
The time when we thought that
We'd be able to dictate even time,

As time passes by
Until the colors of space begin to change
our hearts will pass by each other
inside the chanceful advent of the seasons
I hope this moment could just stop
The two of us are still wandering around
But on the other side of the dark realm

Change

And there I am, sitting at my desk, once again with my hands hovering milimetres above the keypad, wondering what to do, what to write.
As I think of the useless hours I am spending and the time that I'm wasting, I realise that this is just how it is and there is little I can change about it.
I'm outraged. How can this be?

I think I have gone mad, going against my own philosophy.
"Don't accept the things you cannot change,
Change the things you cannot accept"

But I think I have already, on a subconcious level, accepted this fact. That is what really annoys me. Not having control over every single aspect of my life.
What if this is the way it should be? What if there is nothing I can do?

But no, I WILL change this!
I have done it once, I can do it again!!

Joy

I see my little brother being happy with a football and soap bubbles and I realise:

His smile is what proves my inabillity to enjoy anything.

Only time

And there it was all f the sudden, unexpected.
He called me, friday night, on my way to Jan-Albert's wedding ceremony. My old employer.
Telling me he's back and all that we talked and I hang up telling him I'll call him later. Today I called him.
It seems he has come back from his litle trip and he moved out of his parents house and has come to live quite near where I live.
He is working as a mailman for TNT post. Praising himself for a promise that he can take over a managing job in a few months.
Anyways he is planning to go back to the old routine. Filming weddings and taking pictures. He sounds desperate.
I dunno what I wanna say, but I now see that I have it much better than he did when he was my employer. What does that mean?
Am I so succesfull and fortunate or is he so unfortunate?

Only time will tell.

Broken man

Sometimes you go through life as nothing can ever bring you down. And in my case nothing really could. Untill she came along. Dark haired beauty with naughty eyes.

Still as I once said:"You cannot give your heart away and expect to get it back in one piece!"
It does not matter.
For I am lonesome.

But it is better to be lonesome than alone!
I know what will happen now and I hate myself for it. As I know I cannot change the course of events that are about to unravell.

I'll get fixated with work.
I'll become a workaholic.
I'll be unbearable.
I'll go out a lot.
I'll make new "friends"
I'll visit lots of ols "friends" I promised myself I won't ever contact again.
And every single day another piece of me will die out.
Untill one day I burst.
I'll do something outrageous, crazy and insane.
I'll go back to the source.
She'll laugh, mock me, support me.
I'll get get over it.
I'll mess up again.
I am one step further from her.


It's too late.
I'm already dead. Dead from inside. Once a man breaks, nothing will be able to repair that. I have seen it and I know it.
For I have been broken.

Fundamentalism

This morning I got out of my routine and went to see her at her school, told her I loved her. For the first time.
This afternoon she called me to meet up again. I didn't want to but I did. Just for her sake.
Went all the way through the damp terrain and weather.
Only to hear that she wants to end things. She fights me. Walks home alone.
I do the same.

4 hours later she calls me to say how sorry she is but it's better this way for me. She doesn't want her problems to be inflicted upon ME.
Ohh come on.....

Cliche cliche
Is it fundamentally impossible for me to be happy for more than two consecutive weeks?
Should I only pursue unattainable love? Because there is some certainty in that! In that case I'll be consistently unhappy. That is also a great achievement.

I'm starting to wonder which alternative is the best choice!

Peace

If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there would be peace.

An empowering experience

I did all that was in my power not to contact her yesterday. I succeeded.
But there was no glory or pride in this victory.
I couldn't sleep for an hour as she occupied my mind.
At the end being tired got the best of me and I fell asleep.

This morning I woke up and did my routine. Walked to the car, put my laptop in there and grabbed the empty can of bullit out of the car to throw it away. As I walked back towards the house, I see her standing in her bedroom window, with some red sheets wrapped around her.
A radiant angel.
She smiles at me, I'm lost for reactions, I smile from ear to ear and wave at her. She waves back.
An empowering experience. I love her.

Rain

It's thursday,
I come off work, head to the shed to get a drink and also try to glanse at her bedroom window in the hope to see her sweet face and enchanting smile.
I succeed, she looks at me and we both blow a kiss to each other. I tilt my head as a sign whether she wants to go for a walk. She nods!
It's warm so I put on a shirt and head to the park. Once there, I wait for her as I sit on the bench. She walk over with a certain elegance, puts one arm around my neck and kisses me on the mouth. We start to walk into the park.
She's more lovely than ever before....I adore her, can't take my eyes off of her.
We walk, we kiss, we touch....we growl.
Once we decide to head back home.....it starts to rain....it starts to pour. First we seek some shelter but that won't suffice so I convince her to walk back in the rain. It's one of those scenes you only see in those over the top romantic movies.
We're soaked. We're cold, but we have each other....that is all what is on my mind. All I can think of is the warmth of her hand in mine and the drops of rain that find their way into my mouth from her lips every time we kiss.
She says she's cold and I stop, pull her toward me....and enclose her body in my embrace. She sighs, kisses my neck and rests her head upon my shoulder. "You drive me crazy" she says, as she backs away, "I have something for you" as she reaches in her pocket and hands me this small box. "Open it when you get home." she says.
I look at it's content and it's a necklace. I thank her and put it in my pocket.
We reach our point of separation. I stop her..."Once I have made out with a girl a few times I wanna have the talk", she nods, "You my girlfriend?" I ask her. She nods, smiles and says: "uhum". "Then I'm your boyfriend" I tell her.
We kiss our goodbyes and we go home.

I rush to my room, open up the box. I find a beautifull half heart necklace. I have never had a gift which I have valued this much. Not because of the beauty but because of the sencerity of which it has been chosen.
I'll always wear it..... you know why?
1- Because I really do love her
2- Because she gave it to me
3- Because this way she's always with me
4- Like I always said: "A jewel is only beautifull when it symbolises commitment!"

Text conversations

"You gotta come at 12, I wanted to give you something today, but you weren't here" was the text she woke me with.
"Where should I come? what is it you wanted to give me?" I texted her.
She says: "I won't tell you, you'll see. btw I'm in love with you!"
Quite shocked, my reaction was: "In love? I believe that when you tell me in person!"
"So you don't believe me? If I wasn't I would have never let you touch me"
"Good answer, I have been thinking about that. I just want to hear you say it. Now you're driving ME crazy."
"Who did you think I am? I'm only like that with you. But ok I will tell you when I see you?"
"So when will that be? tomorrow? say YES! I don't think that about people I adore, so I don't think that about you"
"I dunno when, gotta be at college at noon tomorrow and I'm back at 7. maybe next week"
"Are you teasing me? I hope I see you soon, I'm at home from 6 tomorrow."
"No I'm not, I just think then I'll be able to"
"That's too bad, but definitely worth the wait. Even just to be able to hug you. Sweet dreams darling xxx" I said.
"I'll try to find a way to be with you sooner. I don't promise anything. I'm gonna kidnap you so I can be with you every single day. sweet dreams baby"

Walking the dog

This morning I was having breakfast and I saw her walking. I put down my cup of tea and grab my bag and jump into the car to go and see her on my way. I approach her and wave, she waves back. I stop the car and before I know she asks me: "Don't I get a kiss?" and pulls my head towards hers and presses her lips upon mine. "You drive me crazy" she says as she kisses me for the second time.
"Can I have your number?" I ask. And she gives it to me.
As I come back from work, I go to the garden to grab something to drink from the shed and I see her looking down at me from her bedroom window. I sign her to look at her phone as I had texted her. She does and texts me back "I'm taking the dog for a walk, you wanna come?"
We meet up at the little park behind my house. She's wild. As I should be. As I used to be.

We take litte time to talk whilst walking the dog. Not because we have nothing to say to each other but more because she doesn't let me finish my sentences. We kiss and hug a lot on the way before settling down on a bench.

We kiss and kiss and kiss.....I can't get enough of her and apparantly it's vice versa. Then she turns to me, looks me in the eye....presses her lips upon mine and forces her tongue inside my mouth and in a swift and quick move she is sitting on me and kissing me as hard and as passionate as she can. I let it all happen.

Suddenly something wakes me up from this extatic state I am in: It's the sound of a zipper being opened. For a split second I wonder whether it's mine or hers? It's hers.

She grabs my hand and guides it underneath her blouse and bra. Looks at me, with those naughty eyes, smiles and we start kissing again.

After a while I stop her and we start walking back home. She doesn't want to. I know...but I have to.
Nothing sensible is coming out of her mouth. "I wanna be with you..." and "You drive me crazy..." is all she says all the time.
After several hugs and kisses I am able to send her home and go home myself.

Butterflies

Today I grabbed my camera and went to this little park we got in the back of my house. There is a path with two benches in the middle and I thought I'll take a walk along the path. I haven't walked for 20 metres before a BEAUTIFULL butterfly flies towards me and saits on my shoulder. I grab my camera and by that time the butterfly is already gone.
I don't let that bother me. I put down my camera case and wait for it to come back. before I know it there are four of them flying all around me and going back and forth over my head.

At one point I shut down my camera.....put my hand down and just stand there.

Absolute silence, except the sound of their wings hitting each other.

Two of them come towards me and each picks a shoulder to land upon. What cam one possibilly want more?

After a few minutes as they fly away I grab my camera case put my camera away and walk back home. Cause I figured: "After having two butterflies on my shoulders, the walk could only go down the hill!"

What a day

So last night Iv called me up and we talked for over 2 hours about evrything and nothing. I was really sad and depressed but she knew how to make me feel better. So in the end I went to bed and as I woke up today....I wave of calmth had come over me. It felt good

So I went to college and gave my inturnship report to the teacher in charge and he approved it and gave me a 8 outta 10 which is fairly good. So I was very happy to have finished that finally. Afterwards I went to a client and picked up some stuff I had lying around over there.

Then I drove home and when I was almost there I saw the GND. She was walking the dog. and she yelled at me to stop and asked whether I was ignoring her? ( crazy to think I was already planning to stop to talk to her before she halted me) anyways we talked about this and that and before I knew some friend of hers shows up and whithout saying goodbye I just drove home.

It felt wrong to be honest I settled for it. I got home...parked the car....walked to the kitchen and openend the door to the garden as it was hot as hell inside. At that exact moment I see her walking by the house and I told her how sorry I was not to say goodbye back there.

She says: "I don't wanna go home, got some parental trouble!"
"You can come over here, if you like, hahaha" I said.
She laughed and said...."Lemme see....I'll go take the dog home first...if I can I'll come by...if your're alone."
Before I knew it: "yeah offcourse I'm alone. come over"

Almost certain she wouldn't come anyways...I put on the tv and sat on the couch....
Through the curtains I saw her running up to the house...and I opened the door before she ever rang the bell.
"did you see me coming?" she asked and I nodded "I thought let me spare you the trouble of ringing the bell, hehehe"

So she sat at the couch on the otehr side of the room. "Let's go and sit outside!" I said "It's too hot in here."
As we sat there talking I leaned forward to refill my drink and halfway doing that I looked back at her and she moved her head towards me as subtle as one could ever do....and before either of us had any idea...we were at it...

Once the first kiss was over, "Do you wanna go inside?" I asked her and she nodded. She dragged me into the livingroom and I said: " You wanna sit here or go upstairs?"
She didn't need to answer my question with words....her look was more than enough. She grabbed me by the arm and rushed upstairs.
Knowing what a mess my couch was....I rushed to it to get rid of all the clothes lying on it. But before I got hold of the first piece she was sitting on the bed and she said..."This is good too!"
Needless to say I agreed and joined her.

She is a beautifull meditranian, with that little dash of naughty and wild, what makes this guy go through the roof. A body to die for and those lips with the sweet taste of vanille and strawberry ice cream, I can only attach to my childhood memories. She made me crave for more....more of everything.....and still it felt good.
For a while we were doing fine untill somebody came to the house....it was my mom! Calling me to go and do some shopping. We stop! I tell her she has to go with me as I can't do it by myself and she agrees!
I tell GND to leave the house right after I leave! She agrees, but the sadness and dissapointment can be read from her eyes. I put on some cologne and grab my car keys. As I turn around I see her watching me and waiting. I giver her a long, firm hug and tell her: "Everything is going to be ok!" One final passionate kiss separates us.
I leave the house. Come back 20 minutes later and see her smiling down at me from ther bedroom window. I smile back and she waves. I wave back and go inside.

Afterwards I can only think of her....all day long.....all the time! The sweet taste hasn't left my lips yet. She drives me crazy, even if it is for one day at a time!!

Shore of uncertainty

I tread upon a shore of uncertainty and have come to apprehend that I am home.
The abandoned waters whisper an unspoken welcome.

Humble empathy originated from insignificance.
Inspiration originated from simplicity.