Addiction

once I became aware of my addiction it was already much too late tomprevent it or to treat it.. maybe it was meant to be this way but hey...if that would be true...pfff
anyway we always say if something good happens it's always GOD and when something goes wrong....GOD works in mysterious ways...yeah right :P
once addiction sets is, as I already said, it is very hard to get it out of your system, specially when you NEED your addiction to sustain a decent normal life. but evenabout that we can discuss can't we? I mean isn't everything, and I mean absolutely everything, relative?
anyhow...a drugaddict goes to deserted industerial places to fulfill his needs, I visit chatrooms. now name my addiction.....

Questions

hmm...there I am again....and I have only one thing to say....
last night when I went to bed...I realized something very strange and very disturbing aswell...yet kinda sad..(yeah I know)
I realized that for a 6 months I have had three thoughts each night before going to sleep:
1-Will I ever be able to see her?
2-Why don't I have a terminal disease, so everyone could see n how much pain I am inside!
3-I wonder what would happen if I died that instance?


Now let me be honest: The last two ahve occured time and time before the 6 months I'm talking about but they're now amplified by the sound of the first one I guess. Ah you know...as I said before....I only fear one thing in life...wel actually two:
1-That she has been lying to me all this time and she does not even love me!
2-That one day she'll be here for me and by then I would love her no more.
And it is those two questions and more the answers to them that keep me alive. (And mark taht last sentence...that means exactly what it says.)
And it is also those same two questions and more the answers to them which will eventually lead to my suicide!

Poem

This is poem I found while browsing the net. I have to say that it has occurred to me that lately more and more things like poems and articles or shared feelings on blogs or wherever are defining my own life and situation better than I could ever put in words myself. Do here I gave you my latest:


I'm a fountain of blood
in the shape of a girl
you're bird on the brim
hypnotized by the whirl

drink me - make me real
wet your beak in the stream
the game we're playing is life
love is a two way dream

leave me now - return tonight
the tide will show you the way
forget my name go astray
killer whale trapped in a bay

I'm a path of cinders
burning under your feet
you're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street

life is a necklace of fears
your uncried tears on a string
our love will untie them - come here
loving me is the easiest thing

I'm a whisper in water
a secret for you to hear
you are the one who grows distant
when I beckon you near

I'm a tree that grows hearts
one for each that you take
your the ground I feed on
we're circle no one can break
leave me now - return tonight
the tide will show you the way
forget my name go astray
killer whale trapped in a bay

How?

that's the question I ask myself at this moment,
how can someone be so thoughtless
how can someone be so careless?
how can someone be so heartless?
how can someone lie for such a long time?
how can someone like that sleep at night?
how can someone.....kill all my dreams and not even care
after telling me she does as she has never cares for anyone before?
I long to know HOW?

Forgiveness

Well I have forgiven her a lot of things
time after time after time
but I have never been able to forget
and now I wonder:
can a person really forgive
if they can't forget?

I know what our love is for each other..... my love for her is unconditional.....I'm prepared to do anything for her and I do.....and she loves me as much as she can.....but never tells me......and that is what hurts me the most.....knowing someone loves you SO much but never hearing them tell you....never having them talk to you......never being able to shout and ask them WHY??
this is what is happenning and you know what I fear the most?
I fear the day she'll be here and by then I would love her no more
that's the thought which strikes me each time I think of her and it's destroying me from inside

How can she?

I called her last night
after ten unanswered emails
and she just pretended to be not there
nothing hurts more than that
that's so low...
...I wouldn't do that to anyone
especially not after what we've been through
I can't understand how SHE CAN

Yesterday

They got today
and forgot tomorrow
but I only care for yesterday
because I shared it with you
and now tomorrow
means today is just
another yesterday without you

FOR-EVER

Yesterday I called you
and they said to me
you weren't there
you were out looking for me
and it was that moment
in which I realized
we're too far now
but once we'll be near
FOR-EVER