What is art?

I choose to believe that no one person is simply defined by the basic elements that comprise them. non-linear mathematics - an intangible concept of gestalt thought and connectionist principles - that make a person much more than the sum of all they are.

What can I add together to make myself? Am I a definable amalgamation of traits and primitives? is there a recipe for me, something physical, explainable by the coding of intertwining strands, bound by science? that when acted upon by certain forces - natural selection, meiosis, hormonal growth - create who I am?

science would have me believe so. I believe science. after all, the scientific method is my bible. i live my life by fact, by statistical relevance and irrefutable theory. that which cannot be negated must be true, for no one can disprove it. logic.

beautiful.

I detest art. this is a hilarious concept, because those who knew me not much more than a year ago would know I loved art. so much freedom - to be unbound and to relish in the endless pursuit of perfection - to do what you find worth doing, where others may share your opinion yet the majority say no. subjective yet daring - provocative yet plagued with the limitations of society, culture, etc. - whatever bias you can think of you can break with art. you can push the boundaries and explore limitless options, with good taste or most often and best, without.

such is the problem i see with art. who defines what is acceptable? who defines what is genius? you cannot put a 95% CI on a Picasso, Warhol, Dali as to where they fall in the world's population in terms of artistic ability. an inherent flaw. there is no methodology, no manual by which to critique it. nothing is proper, the scientific method does not apply because you cannot make it testable. it cannot be explained by science. such is art. why define what it is, when it is art?

lately I've began to wonder whether I've become more than a blastomere that has divided and differentiated to form who I am. where does science begin to fade, to be inexplainable? at what point do the lines between science and art begin to blur, the mix, to merge? is it even science and art, or is this something of philosophy? an embodiment of consciousness in it's most basal form? beyond that even?

so many things are inexplainable in this world. surely our understanding of being alive are not just the electrochemical properties of billions and trillions of neurons and synapses. what makes us so much more than just meat and bones?

how do you define the undefinable when you don't have the means to explain it? I don't know what I believe in anymore. how can anybody believe in anything when we don't even understand how we are who we are?

Rare men

Rare is the man who takes care to remember others in his hour of greatest happiness.

Perfect image

When I was a kid, I had a perfect image of what I wanted to be, and how I wanted to be when I grew up.
But everyday that passes you comprimise that image and you accept things aren't quite the way you want them to be but you're ok with it.

And before you know it....all of the image has faded away and you have comprimised a little bit of that perfect image each day and one day you realize all you have got left is what you are right now. There is no image anymore...this is who you are. And this is all you are ever going to be.

What happens to a man who has traded away all his dreams to reach this point?

Wet bench

Today I went to this little port we have. It was raining, but I didn't mind the rain.
I didn't even mind the wet bench on which I sat for an hour in the rain. I used to enjoy rain while playing football in the narrow alley behind our house when I was a little kid. But now....those friends are gone, there is no alley anymore....and I haven't touched a football in years.
I can't help but thinking about how happy I was at the end of the day when I came home all wet and in muddy clothes, my hair teasing my forehead and dangling in front of my eyes. And it was all ok. After a quick shower everything was good and I never did mind my sore ankles.
Today on that wet bench....fiddling with my camera....a wave of sadness overwhelms me.
What have I done? What have I accomplished? In all these years.....all I have done have been for the greater good.....but I have never been happy.....how can one justify that?
I don't know...I really don't!
I've lost it all...friends....family.....happiness...love....beauty....innocence....just everything!

All alone

And all of the sudden, I realized I was truly alone.
I can't escape the thought of how I could manage to be unable to reach anyone in this world of interconnectedness. I am still wondering.

Some days I just don't feel like waking up, cause what does one accomplish by waking up to another rejection, to another failed day.
But when I do, I wanna scream at the top of my lungs, wanna run to the edge of town....wanna drive as far as I can, as fast as I can.

But instead I pour myself some tea and have light breakfast and spend the rest of the day in my room behind my laptop....just typing away useless messages and watching worthless video's.

What is a life spent in loneliness?

Awkward silence

There was this awkward silence.....
She was everything I could see....
She looked at me....the way she had looked at me dozen times before....
I forgot where I was.....
what the radio was playing.....
what I was doing.....
I thought to myself: "It's now or never, come on!!"
I reached and grabbed the wheel.....
and mumbled: "So I see you next week right?"
"Yeah, we'll keep in touch..." she says
She goes home and I do the same

Birthday party

So later that evening Iv, Hak, and Merlijn, came to the house for drinks and stuff.

Beore we knew it, it became a poker night and we had lots of fun and it went exactly the way I wanted it to.

I was happy again.

Edam

Last week on monday I woke up at 6 am and showered and drove my dad to work and then flattened to Leiden.
That was where I would meet Narges.
I had planned a great ctytrip but everybody bailed on me except her.
As I got there she was already waiting for me....wearing her long sexy coat and her pertinent thick hair was flowing in the wind the way only waves can crash on the beach.

She got in and we drove to Edam....a small village near ijsselmeer.....it was quite a nice trip and when it finally stopped raining we got out of the car and went to the beach just to take some pictures and goof around.....It was great. Just what I needed. Only thing missing was....again....the chemistry.
Hmmm I am so frustrated right now.....Everything goes well and then ...
...one word....
one sentence....
one gaze....
one sigh....
destroys everything

I love her...I really do...she's perfection in it's simplicity...not because she can do so much for me...but just because how much I could do for her.
Loving her is so easy.....only if she would let me....I hate her for denying me that.....
Yet I can only think of her.....damn me.....

How I wish I could be insensitive like others.....

What I wouldn't give

...just to have her in my arms...
...just to tuck away her hair behind her ear...
...to openly love her...
...just to be with her...
...just to embrace her...
...just to kiss her...
...just to feel her hand in mine...
...just to .........

I love her to death

By god,
I do love her
I love her to death

It's just this wall of friendship which seperates us.
Can I break it down gently?
Can we put up with the destruction?
Can we put up with another rejection?

Oh god,
I do love her
I love her to death

Meaning of dreams

“but I didn’t go to a hotel, I had to watch my money now, instead I just hauled my pack to my back and walked straight for the railroad yards to stretch my bag out somewhere behind the tracks. It was then, that night, I realized the dream that had made me want to buy the pack…. the most beautiful sleep of my life”

At last

"And Suddenly I realized I was truly alone and had nothing to do but feed myself and rest and amuse myself, and nobody could criticize."

Just like life

"Trails are like that: you’re floating along in a Shakespearean Arden paradise and expect to see nymphs and fluteboys, then suddenly you’re struggling in a hot boiling sun of hell in dust and nettles and poison oak…just like life"

Light

“The difference between the two ways of seeing is the difference between walking with and without a camera. When I walk with a camera, I walk from shot to shot, reading the light on a calibrated meter. When I walk without a camera, my own shutter opens, and the moment’s light prints on my own silver gut. When I see this second way I am above all an unscrupulous observer.”

When you are passionate about something you can pay attention to small details and find so much more than at first glance. Therefor the people who love and know, are the ones who can see all.

“Darkness appalls and light dazzles;
the scrap of visible light that doesn’t hurt my eyes hurts my brain.
What I see sets me swaying.”

Illusion of time

Time is the most powerfull thing
you can't stop it, but u can see it...
sometimes it's nice or painful to see the time at work
like growing grass
like moving clouds, playing with sunlight
like looking into the mirror
like touching skin
the time goes on - It's up to you if you will enjoy it or not .....

Dream Visions

Dreams are but fleeting visions of desires that will never be.
Just as the passing beauty of a rose does not last,
So, too, many dreams bloom and wither in naught but a mere moment,
Born and killed within the confines of blissful sleep.

But to dream for all eternity,
Never to know the waking to a harsh reality.....

Would that I could sleep forever.

I spy with my little eye

To try to outthink me....for trying to deceive me.....and ooh most of all for trying to manipulate me with her passive aggressive behaviour.....for that alone....She deserves to be slapped in the face.

For over a year she's being telling me about some girls and telling how much she doesn't like that.....
Today I caught her redhanded with one of them.....What to say?
I just drove home....

In the end if you think about it..... we are not related in any way!!
Though it still feels like betrayal.....(it shouldn't anymore)