Lonely nights

Lonely nights

In these nights of loneliness
Lost is my heart
In the fast sahara's
Between storms and the calm
With hundreds of dreams
Dreams of you

Your appearance in my mind
Your love in my heart
There you'll live forever
These cold nights without you
How can you not see?
Oh you radiant angel
These nights of loneliness
Between storms and the calm

I wished in the moonlit nights
For you to be with me
To lay right next to me
Waiting for the morning to arrive

Wishes come true
Just wait and you’ll see

As the last night arrives
The hope of tomorrow
Keeps me alive
I beg the stars at night
To go away quickly
And bring me the morning


Written by: N. Sahebzadeh

Hovering between two evils

Hovering between two evils…..how can I choose?
On a beach should one choose the tempting temporary waves or the dull permanent shore?
One can either choose of the two or stand still and contemplate and at the end turn around and go home and let it all come over him?
In that case there is no winner…. There is no victory….everybody loses.

Sin ?!?!

Today I went to the travel agency and made my flight to Jess definite. It's a flight from Amsterdam to Paris to Toronto to Sudbury where she'll be waiting hopefully. I'd be leaving on 24th of May and coming back (hopefully not) at 16th of June.
The flight cost me a something like €700,00.
I paid it all in once. It felt great to be so deceicive.
117 days left to my flight. How am I gonna tell my parents or am I just going for plan A( not telling them at all and disappearing)?
hmmm it's a big decision.....though......I feel comfortable not telling them. I thought of recording a message and leaving it for them to find...but what to say in such a message?
I guss only one phrase fits here best:
"The sun is always shining when it's raining!"
it's late....
I'm gonna go to bed....tomorrow is another day!!

Happy End

Today I read a beautiful poem/lyric I wanted to share it with you guys.
hope you'll like it as much as I did.

What is worse?

Isn’t it funny how life turns out to be what it wants? Last night I accidentally told Iv about my plans to disappear for a while with “my girlfriend” (Jess). As I explained to her why I wanted to go away so badly tears gathered in my eyes and I actually felt all of the pain I had felt in all those years again, all at once. How is it that I can still take all of this?

Today, NOW, I’m with Iv in the library in Blaak. We’re sitting up in the 6th floor. Silence!
She’s sitting next to me doing her homework on her laptop and I’m just finished. Even though I know she is here she seems so unreachable. I’m really one sick mind I guess.
What the hell is wrong with me? One moment I’m so strong I can take on the whole world and I make huge plans and conspiracy theories. The next moment I’m choking in my own breath as I think of how to tell my dad about my plans of going away and not caring about what he thinks of it.
Is this bravery? Is this being a coward? Is this anything at all?
Or am I just a loser who’ll never gonna finish what he starts because he’s just too afraid of the consequences. All I know is that I’d do anything not to become like my uncle Farooq who’s still contemplating about decisions he should have made 30 years ago.

What is worse than reaching a point in your life and when you look back all you see is a blank page? All you have done has meant nothing and all you will do will mean nothing!

Going For It

Today I made my choice......I am going to Jess's graduation.....if she wants me to....
the only problem now remains the funding of this trip and how to tell my parents.
I mean they're NOT going to agree with any of this and I still WANT/NEED to go. NO MATTER WHAT!!
Nothing can stop me actually....maybe the money....but I'll ry to collect enough to buy my ticket.
This is the actual conversation:

Jack said:
ooh btw I have been thinking
Jess said:
yes
Jack said:
I would really like to be there for ur graduation and all....would you mind that?
just be honest
Jess said:
no not at all i would love for you to come it would be the best present ever
Jack said:
that's what I thought...but I wasn't sure it's be ok ...that's why I'm asking
Jess said:
it is it more than is......... i am soooooo xcited
Jack said:
ok ok....control urself.
hahaha
Jess said:
lol
Jack said:
ok cause I kinda gotta be fast with booking and stuff.....so you know which airport I should take?
Jess said:
um hold up!.
Jack said:
ok
Jess said:
There is one in sudbury
Jack said:
yeah I can pick that
Jess said:
Well its kinda in your way out of sudbury but its not far from here,,,
Jess said:
how long you wana stay?
Jack said:
yeah up to you...how long do u want me to stay?
Jess said:
HOW ABOUT a week?
Jack said:
I was planning on longer but that's ok too
Jess said:
or two thats good. then i get to spend more time with you.... but if you stay for two weeks your gonna have to come to graduation party and its a weekend kinda like camping and.......
Jess said:
then my exams start
Jack said:
like I said...it's up to you....the more time I can spend with you the better
Jess said:
FOR SURE...
Jess said:
well. my graduation is may 27th.
Jess said:
i am leaving for the east coast on june 20th or 21st..
so you can stay until i leave or stay as long as you want as long as I get to be with you
Jack said:
hmmm yeah.....ok.....so that would be a month....but ofcourse u have ur exams in that period aswell
Jess said:
yeah they are like three to four days long..... and well they are two hours long...
Jack said:
oooh ok...
btw how about the airport in otawa?
Jack said:
is that very far from you?
Jess said:
its a 6 hour drive if you can drive fast..... but I am sure we could make a trip out of it
Jack said:
yeah well I dunno cause it would save me like 25% on my ticket
Jess said:
NP
Jack said:
yeah ok
I'll go check some other agencies this week.......I'll see what I can do

Telling the truth

As I may have said in previous blogs.....since I have met Ellaha I have given her a false name and false information about how I got to know her.
Today something happenned and I did what I was most of all scared of.
I told her the truth.
At first she was very upset yet calm (exactly what I had expected of her....she's so mature abou things)
And she began questioning me abou why and how and wo I was and what I wanted from her and all the expectable things.
And when I told her I wanted her to know me for how I was from the inside and vice versa. She was convinced.
She asked me for two minutes to think things over and afterwards she told me it was all ok because she liked me and that she would have liked to know it back then but it's better late than never.
I couldn't agree more!!

So I guess I have learned a lesson to trut people more than I'm used to.
I really like her......she's something else isn't she? I mean...we know what would have happenned otherwise right? ;)

Stolen: Phone; Found: Friends

It’s Tuesday morning and as for the past 4 months I’m again in the train going to work in Leiden. I haven’t had much sleep last night. I wanted to but I had insomnia. (I guess all because my cell phone was stolen yesterday when I was on a date with Iv).
Anyway I was kinda tactless whilst talking to Ellaha. She said it’s ok but I know she was upset. I didn’t quite made it up to her.
I put on a film to watch “The Terminal”, with Tom Hanks. Great movie! It was like half past 1 AM or so I went to check whether Jess was online already, because I really needed a good friend to talk to. And guess what just two minutes ago she had said hi.
We talked about just about everything and she did something to me only she has been able to do in the 4 years I know her. She made me shed a tear. The only thing I wanted for months and months. To release a bit of tension in my life.
She said her graduation date will be on May 28th whilst her exams are on June 16th. A bit odd but very informative.
I’m seriously planning on going to her graduation. I dunno why but just as I explained to I yesterday: “I’m under a lot of pressure, if this goes on for longer I’ll really go insane, mental-ward-ready.”
But I’m wondering whether I’ll make enough money till then to be able to afford it. I hope I do.


Jack said:
what are ur plans for the rest of the night?
Jess said:
Sleep>> its needed I was in court all day today studying for school and stuff and i just got home maybe an hour ago soooo I am tired
Jack said:
court?
why?
Jess said:
I am studying law..
Jack said:
oooh yeah ok ok
Jack said:
and how was it?
Jack said:
Interesting?
Jess said:
Yeah it was
Jack said:
Great
Jess said:
lol... I had fun
Jack said:
that's the most important thing
Jess said:
yuppers and I learnt a lot
Jess said:
Missed you though
Jack said:
I miss you too.......for too long already
Jess said:
lol I know
Jess said:
:P
Jack said:
god why am I so sensitive this week ??:P lol
Jess said:
I am too soooooooooo it’s ok
Jack said:
lol no I mean I'm like this all week already.....a moment away from bursting in tears....but never getting there ...lol Jess said:
You want to know why you aren’t crying... because every time we talk we give each other hope
Jack said:
I sure like to think so
Jess said:
Lol :P
Jack said:
tell me honestly...why do u even talk to me?.......
Jack said:
I'm such a mess
Jess said:
Because we are two of a kind.... HUGE MESSES that no one will ever forget... We are special in our ways and I know that not talking to you for that long killed something inside of me... something was missing and I don't want to feel like that.... LOVE YOU
Jack said:
u are a tearjerker aren't u?
Jack said:
I guess ur right.....I love you too
Jess said:
LOL I am a tearjerker... but a really treat at the same time
Jack said:
yeah you really are
Jess said:
well thank you
Jack said:
you welcome
Jess said:
so you must be tired,,,,
Jack said:
yeah but I have insomnia for months.....
Jack said:
that's why I'm watching a movie at 1:30 AM
Jack said:
lol
Jack said:
and chatting to you
Jack said:
I have to get up at 6
Jess said:
Aw well did you want me to let you go to sleep?
Jack said:
no I don't
Jack said:
actually I want someone who keeps me company till 6
Jack said:
;)
Jess said:
well I am not sure about that one my back is burning
LOL
Jack said:
mine too...lol talk about coincidence

Iv, Skype and Me

Last night I was at home with Walid, just chatting with Ellaha and stuff and talking bullshit....she signed in but I didn't talk to her cause I was too busy with walid and Ellaha.
Anyway moments later she skyped me and she was so excited about how cool that was and how great it is that she can call me anytime she likes with the press of a button.
I introduced her to Walid and vice versa and we talked and talked and talked fo 2 and half an hour.
We played games.....asked questions........played quizzes.......
And w taked about our personalities and how we were and how we were gonna be.....and I ofcourse had to bring up her urge not to share her true feelings and always hiding behind that cute casual laugh.
She disagreed ofcourse....it's so like her
And I decided the only way to tell her properly is to let her read one ofmy previous blogs: "I Wish..."
At first she didn't get it really.....and she kept asking whether I had written that just because of Jess. Which wasn't so....
Finally I explained her how it actually was written because of her and WE had done together in the past and how I wished things would have turned out to be.
She asked me whether I had any regrets for the choices I had made. And to be honest I don't regret any choice except of telling her I liked her years and years ago. ( but even that is doubtfull because maybe if I hadn't done that we wouldn't be that close today)
Anyway I told her the relationship we have now is the only kinda realtionship I would want with her. She's a friend who's a girl with whom I can really share ANYTHING. And she doesn't judge me at all and does not critisize me or whatsoever.
Isn't that all everyone wants?
To have someone they can utterly trust with EVERYTHING in their life.
To have someone who listens.
To have someone who understands.
To have someone!

Anyway we decided that it was kinda late afer 2 AM so we decided to talk about it on monday when we'll be seeing each other afterall.
I hope it won't be weird. But I don't think it will be. We knoe each other too well for that!!

Conversation At Midnight

Jess said:
hey you are you around
Jack said:
hi yeah babe
Jack said:
you ok?
Jess said:
Yeah still not feeling well though
Jack said:
really??? has it worsened?
Jess said:
yeah
Jack said:
hmmm....you feeling very bad
Jess said:
ypers
Jack said:
hmmm considered a doctor yet?
Jess said:
yeah I have seen a few actually
Jack said:
and what did they say?
Jess said:
nothing
Jack said:
hmmm they can't say what's wrong then?
Jess said:
nopers of course not I want to kill them...

Jack said:
lol hehehe imaginable
Jess said:
!!!
Jack said:

Jack said:
anyway ...what ya up to today?
Jess said:
nothing..... in pijamas
Jack said:
nice me too almost
Jess said:
well I have been in them all day!
Jess said:
I don't feel like doing anything really
Jack said:
yeah I can imagine.....maybe it's for the best you do nothing.....just rest and relax a bit
Jess said:
.... I knew you would say something like that!
Jack said:
hahaha so am I that predictable huh?
Jess said:
when it comes to me YES
Jack said:
ok....informative
Jess said:
....
Jack said:
so is schoo starting tomorrow again?
Jess said:
yeah!! I am gonna get a good nights rest and have a long day tomorrow ...
Jack said:
hmmm ok ok
Jess said:
I am glad we are talking tomorrow!
Jack said:
who do u mean by we?
Jess said:
..... hold on tired.... I meant I am glad we are talking again!
Jack said:
yeah so am I
Jack said:
I really don't get you sometimes...you're one randomized min I can't seem to figure out
Jack said:
min=mind
Jess said:
Well.. it makes me interesting and hard to forget.... Also a fun person to be with
Jack said:
very probably true
Jack said:
you know what I'm thinking right now??
Jess said:
WHAT
Jess said:
are you thinking
Jack said:
no never mind. it’s too silly
Jess said:
no no tell me
Jack said:
no no....it's late and I'm babbling
Jess said:
NO NO TALK OR I’LL GET ANGRY AND YOU KNOW YOU DON’T WANT TO MAKE ME UPSET
Jack said:
hhahahaha...lol ok have it ur way
Jack said:
I was thinking how nice it would have been if we lived closer to each other......I mean if we did..... I'd be around u every chance I had even if it was to get a cu of coffee or have dinner together or whatever.........
Jess said:
I know you mean
Jack said:
I miss a friend close to me with whom I have a relationship like I have with you
Jack said:
sometimes that really hurts
Jess said:
I think that I would be s happy... to have some one like you to rely on.. and talk to.. spend all night lying in your arms and just having intimate conversations
Jack said:
yeah well it's story of our lives isn't it?.....at least mine it is...to have friends we can't reach and to have ppl around us whom we cannot trust or bare to be around them
Jess said:
I KNOW HOW THAT FEELS
Jess said:
hold on a sec my stomach really hurts
Jack said:
you have no idea how many times I have decided to go away and start over somewhere new.....but something always came up u unfortunately
Jack said:
ooh ok