She

Today is one of the warmest days in months....it's like 27 degrees.....
She called me out of sleep..... it was a pleaseant surprise I have to say...
yet I was very thoughtless and tactless talking to her(though I know she doesn't mind...after three years she knows me better than that to get annoyed or anything) but I do blame myself for it.....
anyway hours later I saw her again..... she was in a rush yet she made time to come and see me and return me some things......
I stood on top of the stairs watching her coming up.......the sun slowly enlightening her face and the wind in her hair.......she was wearing a coat I had seen before but this time with a fur collar....it praticularly matched her hair color and sturcture.....(in a split second I couldn't escape the thought whether that was a coincidence or not?)
She immediately noticed Iw s wearing the shirt she bought me two weeks ago....she always notices every little thing about me.....but she's usually a riddle to me......that hurts me
I like her...no actually I love her....I love her to death....but no one can know about this.....especially I don't want HER to know this.....
Will we ever be together???
(maybe I don't even want to know)

Alone

Just a few minutes ago in the shower I realised something......
something that had been on my mind for actually a couple of years now...ever since I developped the J situation.
I realised that no matter how hard I try I cannot find someone as a companion for me....at least I never will at this rate....and realised that actually I was and am alone in that aspect of my life for all my life and probably will for the great deal of the rest of it to come.....
disturbing you may think......I do not agree....
I actually find it a very pleasant thought.....it's suiting.....it's peaceful.....
but then I noticed something else.....something that has always stood in the shadow of my so over obvious loneliness, if you may.
What I realised was that actually I have never been alone in my life.....yet I have merely attempted to be alone and isolated but the more I tried the more ppl got involved and the more I was further a way from achieveing my goal.
Isn't it ironic?
That we try to find some one to be with for all our lives.....while actually all we want is to be all alone and at peace with ourselves?
"The true source of man's inhumanity to man: His abillity to feel"
Well for all the ones involved:
"I'm sorry for everything!"
"May you love me, leave me and never come back....for I love you all. Just too much!"

In Control

Today I went to give blood. I had decided to becoem a donor after hearing that it would clean my system.....
anyway so I did.
and I fainted and fell off my chair.
I haven't had such a strange feeling as I had today since I was a computer geek and I shut down my pc at night. hahaha just joking.
it was very weird......I was suddenly somewhere else...... it was dark and I tried to wake up...but I couldn't.....and it was good too.......it felt like a warm sumer morning just the second before you wake up.......without the after taste of sleep.......I could hear everything....but it was all blurry......it was like I was drifting away heelplessly away from eeverything that I knew........but it felt ok.
I felt total paradox.....but on the bright side....absolutely no limitations.......

In nineteen years of my life on earth those were the only two minutes of my life that I have been truly and utterly FREE
in every meaning of the word.

I was untouchable.
I was no longer in control......I had no responsibilities.......losing all fear is losing all hope......losing all hope is freedom

From now on...I'm going to try not to control every aspect of my life......
cause only then I will achieve my only goal:
Freedom!!

Lies

Sometimes I stop and think why people lie about every goddamn thing they do or say.....I mean the world would be such a nice place if we would all be honest.....
ofcourse a lie at place can't hurt....but why does every fucking thing has to be a lie in this world?
I haven't met anyone ever who never lied to me......who was 100% honest just like me..... I hated it and I hate it even now....but yet the biggest liars and cheaters somehow end up meeting me......I ask you now:"Why?"
Is it the opposites attract theory or something?
I wouldn't know I guess
Sometimes I feel I'm all alone in this world...that no one understnads me and no one will ever do.....can anyone relate to this?
hmm... well you can call all of this ranting but I call it insanity of life......
we should not be alone...we should not be such deceivers...we should not be such liars.....we are all the same.......let everyone make mistakes....you learn best from your own mistakes not those of others....
Every day that passes I cannot escape the idea of leaving everything and everyone behin......going somewhere else......no matter where...no matter how..... just away from here....
I can't take it anymore.......
I feel there's so much beauty in this world and I'm missing it all.......

but then again aren't we all??

Going Away

Isn't it funny? that we always go back to the final resort even though it has failed us so many times? Well if everybody still does why would I be any different right??
what I am trying to say is ofcourse that I am going away........ hopefully for a very very very long time .......... I just have to wait for my money and once it's here I'll buy a ticket and I'm gone..... hopefully forever.....
cause if two minutes in hell is a lifetime...... then two minutes here is a lifetime too (if not more)
I'm gonna go and see JvD .......... I'm not sure whether I'm welcome or not......but I'd be more at hoem that I am now.
Well we'll see won't we?

Lucy

I hate the feeling of having nothing to say.
I hate sitting here [with my mind on you], attempting to uncover the slightest feeling I might possibly have in my black, black heart
and realising I feel nothing at all.

Knowing you feel the same. Even black hearts can hurt. Even black black hearts can bleed.

I know she's out there somewhere. I don't know how she looks like. What her name is or what she does for a living. But I know exactly how she feels; how she thinks and more important how she makes me feel.
Let's call her lucy shall we?

Lucy is the kind of girl who wants and needs everything but demands nothing of you. Lucy is the kind of girl who cuddles you when you get back from work; who is never too tired to talk to you; to listen to you.
Lucy is the kind of girl who acts happy with a shitty birthday present because she knows you can't afford something better.
Lucy has had a lot of problems in the past and I have stood beside her.
And vice versa.

That's what makes her strong; That what makes us strong.

Now I have been told that we shall never be together.
I have been told she does not exist. I have been told so much.
But the fact is we're both yellow.
Too yellow to take the chance.
Too yellow to make the jump.

But not anymore....I'm writing you this song and next gap I see I'll make the jump....I'll take my chance....



Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,

I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow

So then I took my turn
all the things I've done
And it was all yellow

Your skin
Oh your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
Do you know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh all the things you do
Cause you were all yellow

Do you know for you I bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry

Its true
look how they shine for you
look at the stars
look how they shine for you
and all the things you do



I can merely hope Lucy get's to this read this.
This is my shitty present for her because I simply cannot afford better.