What is worse?

Isn’t it funny how life turns out to be what it wants? Last night I accidentally told Iv about my plans to disappear for a while with “my girlfriend” (Jess). As I explained to her why I wanted to go away so badly tears gathered in my eyes and I actually felt all of the pain I had felt in all those years again, all at once. How is it that I can still take all of this?

Today, NOW, I’m with Iv in the library in Blaak. We’re sitting up in the 6th floor. Silence!
She’s sitting next to me doing her homework on her laptop and I’m just finished. Even though I know she is here she seems so unreachable. I’m really one sick mind I guess.
What the hell is wrong with me? One moment I’m so strong I can take on the whole world and I make huge plans and conspiracy theories. The next moment I’m choking in my own breath as I think of how to tell my dad about my plans of going away and not caring about what he thinks of it.
Is this bravery? Is this being a coward? Is this anything at all?
Or am I just a loser who’ll never gonna finish what he starts because he’s just too afraid of the consequences. All I know is that I’d do anything not to become like my uncle Farooq who’s still contemplating about decisions he should have made 30 years ago.

What is worse than reaching a point in your life and when you look back all you see is a blank page? All you have done has meant nothing and all you will do will mean nothing!