Human??

Yesterday I experienced something very strange....something I hadn't felt since the "P"-thing of J.
Yesterday I got a bill for my college money for next year and my dad had to sign it and pay it. And trust me it was a very big one.
Anyhow, remembering all the deaths he has and all the other things which he is going to pay I actually felt something....I'm still not sure what it was but it had the same nasty aftertaste of human emotion, caring and all that crap.
(It's a very weird feeling, especially as I'm not used to it. I can only care for people who actually mean something to me. The idea of caring and loving these people sounds revolting. I cannot stand the idea. It makes me feel sick.)
For a brief moment I actually felt human again. And that after a long time.
I am struggeling with idea ever since.....
(Which means that I will not be able to go anywhere this year, which in that order means I will be driven one, or probably more, steps closer to total insanity. I need to go away. I have to not see or talk to these people for at least two weeks orso. I need to get laid. I need to feel loved. I need to cry. I need to laugh. I need someone who understands me. I need to be cared about. I need to be something. I need someone......)
what if the things we really want are only in our reach when we stop being humane?
and what if I can't keep being inhuman?

that is the problem with getting older isn't it?
you start caring
you start feeling
you start to commit
and worst of all
you start to accept